Random Thoughts

Today Rebekah and I head back to the village without our Mollie. This morning we got up early to take her to the post office to catch the bus to Mbarara. Already it is quieter and we are both feeling sad. To be fair, I am happy she is homeward bound, she is ready to be home and I know it is time, but the selfish part of me wishes she could stay.

She came at a time when we needed her, a breath of fresh air, a contagious laugh, an infectious sense of humor. I am thankful.

As she heads home I find myself thinking of home. Not the actual building (which is lovely and comfortable) but the sentiment of being "at home". I know I live in a village, i know i have a 'house' here, but of late, it has been feeling decidedly more house like and less home like.

What makes a place feel like 'home'? For me, it is the people for sure, but i think it also has to do with the peace, or the safety you feel in a place. Is that true? For a place to be home, do you need to feel at peace there? I don't subscribe to all that lovey "home is where the heart is" much these days, because i know my heart is most decidedly with these children, while my thoughts turn towards the friends and family i left behind. Perhaps it is just a bout of homesickness, I just don't know.

I watch life move around me as though i am merely a spectator, no longer a participant. I wonder why i am such an outsider. I wonder if i will ever fit. Please know i am not having a pity party, at least not a full blown one. I freely admit, i am tired. I am discouraged. But i am not released from the call i feel on my heart to be with these children.

Yes, i am an outsider. The mere fact that my skin is a lighter shade than the skin of those around me automatically relegates me to being considered different. I won't apologize for my life experiences growing up in America, I will just say this: being the clear minority, no longer part of the majority, feels different. It is hard. It is lonely.

For the first time in my life i am experiencing full blown racism. Full blown, no PC, no polite dismissal, out in the open, rejection because i am white. The current mantra being chanted over and over again is "you are a white, you can never understand" and yes that is a quote i hear at least once a day.

It brings to mind thoughts of culture clashes, of servant hood, of love, of forgiveness, of shame.

Culture Clashes: this is something that has been brewing in my mind for a while now, i think i will expound on it in a later post, once i can articulate a bit more clearly what i am 'feeling'.

Servant Hood: being here isn't about me, it is about serving a people that i have been asked to love, it is about not putting myself, my needs, my wishes at front, but showing the love of my Master to His children. Being His Servant.

Love: it is hard to love a person who may greet me to my face, say "you have been lost, i miss seeing you" and knowing that it is the same person who has made things so difficult lately, the same one who began poisoning the community with talk of exclusion. But I am commanded to Love.

Forgiveness: it isn't about them, it is for me. It is for my sake that I am told to forgive. Holding on to the pain, the loneliness, the anger, limits me, it poisons me, it hurts me. Forgiving those who don't even ask for forgiveness, because they see no wrong in their actions.

Shame: feeling ashamed of the color of my skin, of my appearance, of something i have no control over, of something i never really noticed before. Actually feeling the stares, before hearing the comments, which have become more direct and challenging. Starting to question myself, question my validity, my worth, my person-hood because for the first time, i find myself being alienated because of the way God made me. I am not by any means implying i am the first person to experience such feelings, i am merely being raw, open, and truthful with you- for the first time, i am experiencing these feelings.

Keep praying for us.