Facade

I realize my last few posts have been superficial- shallow, unreflective. It isn’t out of a desire to keep you in the dark, or even to be cryptic, but rather due to my own trouble processing. I have been shutting down lately, brushing off the things I hear because I think that if I truly take time to process, I may break. I realize in my head that I am not responsible for fixing the wrongs, healing the hurts, or solving the problems; but in my heart it is harder to believe.

One of the children I have shared with you about has some unusual scaring on his arms and legs. I never asked what the cause was, I think I was afraid. One day Rebekah and I were talking with one of the Uncles about some of the kids in the program, and this child came up. Uncle shared that before being brought into the program (by a concerned neighbor), this child had been living with a step-mother. She resented this intrusion on her new family and would tie this five year old child up to a post with ropes for days on end. The scars are from the ropes. Without knowing his story, I knew he was a hurting child, and God had been giving me opportunities to reach out to him in unique ways, but now knowing the history I wish I had done more. As I type this I am struggling with tears, my stomach waving with nausea. Who tortures children? God help me, my heart breaks for this child, I grieve for the innocence lost, the trust broken, the pain suffered.

A secondary student asks to talk with me. He is struggling to acquire school supplies. He isn’t asking me for money, but rather just needs to vent. As he shares his background with me he mentions without hesitation that the reason he pays for fees/clothes/school supplies is that as his mother was murdered by his sister-in-law and as his father has since remarried, he is on his own. He struggles with the new stepmother in his house as she is friends with the sister in law, and the same crowd responsible for his mother’s death. Has justice been served? Has the guilty party been held accountable? No. They live in a village where murder is the norm. Not violent deaths as far as I understand, just the usual poisonings. Do I pry and dig into his heart? Do I highlight the fact that until he deals with the fact that his brother’s wife murdered his mother, he may not be able to form healthy relationships in the future? What effect has this event had on his perception of justice, family relationships, trust, and God?

Technically I am responsible only for the children in the project, but I cannot and will not ignore the other students here at school. Their lives are not without pain and heartache. I view them all as children to love and reach out to. Today I asked about a child who I hadn’t seen in a while. No one has seen him for a while. I did some digging; after school ended last term he and a friend “escaped” from home to go find work. They have yet to return. They are in P5- fifth graders.

One of the boys in S2 is struggling. He has been defiant lately, unresponsive in class, showing up late. The teachers are frustrated. His mom died seven weeks ago. He hasn’t paid school fees yet, mom was the income earner; no lunch at school either as meal plan hasn’t been paid for. He isn’t the only kid not getting lunch due to fees being unpaid. There is no “lunch program” here like back in the states, no ‘low income plan’. I only have to stop him as he crosses campus, and greet him, and give his arm a squeeze and he tears up. It is easy to see the defiance, the lack of motivation; how often do we miss the core issue, the grief, the pain, the fear?
I apologize for the lack of depth in my last few posts. Really, I am struggling to know what to share, to know how much to share, to know how to share what I see and feel.

The struggle comes from a certain gag order I have been given, a reluctance to sound trite, an inability to express what happens, and unfortunately a lack of time. So much happens in a day, so much that I easily forget what day of the week it is, and what has occurred. I am working on documenting better so maybe I can process easier, and then share more insightful stories with you.