BA Squared

When Dylan came out to ug, he teasingly told me that he wasn’t sure I was really his sister. In his eyes I had changed a bit. Back in America, Before Africa (henceforth referred to as BA squared) I was a cleaning freak. My standards of cleanliness have evolved a bit on account of the general… conditions. For instance, I have only washed windows once. Icky spiders like to live in between the window and the bars (all windows are barred here) and the kids like to tap “hello” on them, so washing them weekly has been nixed.

BA squared, mom called me her little scientist as I would carefully examine the food on my plate each night. Generally it served the purpose of picking out the mushrooms; here it serves the purpose of picking out the weevils, sticks, and stones. (Apologies to my mom, and anyone else who serves me food in the future- it is now a fine tuned science)

BA squared my mindset was different. Being here has subtly shifted my inner dialogue. I say ‘subtly’ because unless I speak some things out loud, I don’t realize I am even entertaining different or wrong ideas. Today on the bus it was hot and crowded. My thrill for people watching has decreased as being a wallflower–people-watcher is no longer an option. When we reached our destination I pointed out an old man to Rebekah; he was skinny and short, his wrist bones were about half the size of mine. I told her that on the bus I had decided that if I had to marry here, I would marry a guy like him, so when he hit me I could maybe hit back. Have to pick a small guy so the beating wouldn’t be as bad. Upon admitting that, saying it out loud, I realized – something is wrong with me. Spousal abuse is not fine. Accepting the likelihood of being beaten is not fine. Picking a life partner based on size and strength to prevent beatings is not fine. Now you can stop worrying, once I admitted the craziness to Rebekah, I realized the craziness, and will not be settling, accepting, or dealing with an abusive anyone in my life.

BA squared I was a compulsive hand washer. I love clean hands. Now I walk across campus, brush my hands off on whatever skirt I happen to be wearing (clean or not) and join the kids for lunch or dinner. We eat with our hands. Then you wipe your hands on the grass. It makes them clean. Somehow.

BA squared I would tape a cup over any spider I would find and put a sticky note on the cup: JOB OPPORTUNITY. A certain brother shortage, cup shortage, and sticky note shortage means I just pretend they aren’t there- as long as they don’t move. For the extra large ones, a couple of my boys introduced me to the benefits of fire: a tall candle “pops” them and makes the webs crackle and disappear. I have not yet managed to pop any, but the kitchen has been cleaned out for me by fearless individuals.

BA squared you could say I was still a bit of a black and white kind of girl- something was right or it was wrong. Something was good or it was bad, I liked it or I did not like it at all. Now I feel fuzzy as shades of gray fog my mind. In the game of life I felt comfortable knowing the “rules” BA squared. Here though, the rules are different, and they change as you play. It is unsettling and it keeps you from forming a real black and white standard. That has been a hard change.

When I come home, be patient with me. I know being here has changed me, but it is hard to know how complete the changes are- so if you notice them give me grace. Change has always been hard, and being back home, in a place where I think of myself as unchanged, seeing and realizing the effects of being in Africa may be hard.