What Now, Bear Grylls?

I was first introduced to Bear by my college roomies. We spent many a day watching him survive in a variety of inhospitable climates. Using skills gained from his days in the British Special Forces, he now impresses the world on his tv show. Saturday mornings we girls would get up early and go “trekking through the wilderness of T-Town” usually led through ravines, alleys, drain pipes and backyards by Elyse. In a very BG like accent we would comment on the size of the road kill, the caveman drawings (locally referred to as ‘graffiti’) and the need to find a water source.

Fast forward to life in Ug. The first time I made the hike to the lake with Rebekah and her dad I was thrilled to hear… in a very BG like accent, commentary on scrambling up the sheer rock cliffs, finding a water source, and looking for something to eat. Reaching the lake successfully, a thought crossed my mind- “What now, Bear Grylls?” Yeah, that’s right, we survived in an inhospitable climate, found the water source, and had to deal with ‘hostile natives’ shouting at us, chasing us, and occasionally throwing things our direction. BG never has to deal with hostile natives.

Now on a regular basis you may hear “BG got nothin’ on me” said with just a touch of “I’m so cool” in our voices as we survive in the oft times inhospitable climate. For example, I have never seen BG have to fight off a hawk attack once he finds something to eat. Hawks in Kabale town are mean and have no fear. (Ask Dylan, he knows) After surviving yet another hawk sweeping down and trying to yank my rollex (breakfast burrito thing) out of my hand, I have learned to nonchalantly remove the talon marked section and continue eating. What now, Bear Grylls?

Rebekah has mastered the art of ‘catch and slam’ when swarmed by flying white ants. Flying white ants are about the size of flying wood roaches. They swarm and bombard you incessantly. Catch and slam involves catching the white ant that has decided to crawl down your shirt, up your skirt, across your head or lap, and slamming it to the ground. I have never seen Bear Grylls fight off swarming flying ants.

Now, Bear is cool, don’t get me wrong, but I think we win at the surviving game. Sure, he eats worms and bugs, but the boys I went to high school with did too. Here’s why we win: longevity.

Bear has to find water in drought conditions. We found a lasting water source during dry season and managed to bring water back to our place (with the help of strong boys and Dylan for a while. Day after day of hiking down to the water hole, fetching water from a marshy area, avoiding the cows, pigs, goats, and sheep, and ignoring the boys bathing in the water we needed to cook with.

Bear may face some uncomfortable nights under the stars, but after the show he gets to go home to a hot shower. We spent a month trying to sleep while staying in someone’s roach infested home. I do not use the term ‘infested’ lightly. Waking us night after night and finding a 3 inch roach on your head, in your sheets, or crawling across your body messes with you. We began to fear sleep, the sound of scurrying waking us up, keeping us exhausted. We survived not one or two nights with large crawly pests, mosquitoes, and rats, but a full month of such nights.

We like to joke; anyone can eat a grasshopper or worm a time or two, we sure have. Real surviving is spending an hour each day sorting weevils and larvae and rocks out of your rice before you wash and cook it. You know you are a pro when you scan your plate of food before partaking, looking for any sticks or rocks that escaped the initial sorting before you shove the unpalatable beans and posho in your mouth. We have learned which weeds can be eaten raw, and which ones you must cook and drain the juices from before eating. (Why? Because the juice contains cyanide)

And the final component; realizing that just because you are accused of horrific things, blamed for impossible circumstances, lied to and lied about, that you are not a worthless person. The elements are harsh enough, but the working conditions are harder. Real surviving is not just eating bugs. Real surviving is not becoming a victim, not giving in, and not forgetting to look for stones before eating your beans.

What Now, Bear Grylls?